Hat Tip to The People’s Cube
President Obama told a press conference today that he is “madder than hell” and “no one is angrier than I am” after a routine test of new $100 billion software intended to allow him to play computer-simulated golf rounds accidentally triggered World War III.
The president told the assembled journalists he only found out about the war while watching the news on TV. The inadvertent conflict is expected to kill upwards of one billion people.
The president once again denied accusations that the golf software project had suffered from incompetence and mismanagement since it first began 5 years ago, saying “ICBM silos mysteriously go on red alert status all the time, there was no reason to think virtual putting was connected to any of it.”
As far as the rumors that the lights at SAC HQ went out every time the golf software crashed, Mr. Obama remarked “it was just a coincidence.”
Continuing his prepared statement, the president vowed to “get to the bottom of this” and toward that end, announced he was seriously considering forming a blue ribbon panel consisting of experts from the consulting company that created the software, as well as their families and friends, to investigate the problem and get back to him no later than six months from now.
The president said he would make a final decision on the blue ribbon panel after returning from vacation.
After his statement, the president took questions from the assembled reporters, during which he expressed his acrimony, indignation, and seething resentment over the software problems. At one point, the president’s choler became so intense, he asked for a Thesaurus to be brought out for him to refer to as he spoke.
As the press conference ended, the president, still visibly annoyed, shook his fist in the air and announced “Let me be clear, heads are going to roll!” He then peevishly grabbed his golf bag and left the press room.
Shortly after the news conference, the White House Office of Cool Technology Investments announced the resignation of Cora Uption, the official in charge of hiring the consulting company that created the glitchy golf software. Ms. Uption had previously announced her retirement from the WHOCTI effective next month so she could accept a much higher-paying job as a lobbyist for the consulting company that created the glitchy golf software.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, emerging from her taxpayer-provided personal fallout shelter complete with movie theater, swimming pool, and wet bar, took the occasion to place the blame for the war on former president George W. Bush.
“This is just another problem we inherited from Bush,” stated Pelosi. “If he had authorized the creation of virtual golf software for the White House instead of waging illegal wars for oil, this would’ve happened on his watch!”
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, hiding in a location so secret not even he is sure of where he is, released a brief statement: “Didn’t I warn you about the Koch Brothers? Huh? Didn’t I?”
Meanwhile, executives at CNN defended their decision to limit coverage of World War III in favor of continuing round-the-clock coverage of the missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370.
“Get a clue,” said one executive off the record. “Where is most of our audience? Airports! What are people in airports most interested in? Planes! It’s not rocket science!”
In a late breaking development on this story, President Obama made an appearance on “Late Night with David Letterman” last night during which he told the host he is “still really steamed about this.”
“You know me, Dave, I’ve been on your show four or five hundred times, you know when I’m irate, right?”
“Yes, Mr. President, I do.”
“Tell ’em, Dave, tell the audience if I’m pissed or not.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, I know President Obama, and believe me, he’s mad,” Letterman said.